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4 Ways To Create And Maintain Inner Peace

4 Steps to Create a Lasting Inner Calm

When it seems like the world is in complete disarray, is it possible to create inner calm?

Is our well-being at the mercy of external events, exclusively affected by circumstances? Many people believe this to be true—or at least live their lives as if it is. The problem with this mindset is that it creates a massive sense of lacking something, of unrest and of overall stress. We cannot possibly feel like we are in control of our lives if we let the environment we live in rule our inner tranquility. The truth is, you’re greater than your surroundings and the events that are happening around you. You have the ability to create inner harmony regardless of situation or circum- stance. The key is to unlock your inner power and knowledge. As the founder of The Positive Change Group, I help clients find balance. And as an expert in the field, I know that understanding the following simple steps and staying true to them will create lifelong positive changes.

CREATING LASTING INNER CALM

1. YOUR TIME

Time truly is your most precious commodity. When clients I work with say they don’t have time, they’re expressing a false reality. We all have the same amount of time in a day. The difference is that people who are truly happy and have inner peace are very discerning about with whom and how they spend their time. You have time for anything that you make a priority. The key is to reassess your priorities and make sure they are in alignment with what is right for you.

It is simple, really. Where you spend your time can either drain you or energize you. When was the last time you asked yourself questions such as these: Why am I doing this? How is this serving me?

Do I really want to be doing this?

All these questions are necessary to ask because the answers lead to the next vital point: When we understand how precious our time is and how it directly relates to our self-love, then we’re more careful about whom we spend it with. And this is key to having what I call healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are essential to finding inner calm. Many people can attribute the lack of healthy boundaries to a feeling of depletion and disharmony. How can you possibly have inner harmony if you are not able to say no to what doesn’t serve you? Many of us often feel a sense of obligation or duty to say yes to things that make us miserable.

Positive Change Exercise #1: Do a Time Audit

Take a week and look at the things you do and whom you spend your time with. Decide what brings you joy and what depletes you. The simple act of bringing consciousness to how you spend your time is the first step toward making change.

Once you become aware of how your time is being spent, then you can start to create healthy boundaries and choose when you need to politely say no. This may mean making small changes or starting out with only what you feel comfortable doing, working forward from there. And don’t worry about feeling selfish. The reality is that everyone around you gets the best version of you when you take care of yourself and cultivate that inner calm.

Emotional_intelligence

2. YOUR THOUGHTS

They can be the hardest things to change because thoughts are so powerful. But let’s just look at it in a simple way. Thoughts hold energy. For instance: Think about a time in your life when you felt like you weren’t enough or when you felt you were a disappointment. How does that feel?

Now I want you to think of a time in your life when you felt joy, love, or a sense of accomplishment. How does that feel?

Notice the difference in your body when thinking of each moment. Our thoughts are powerful and have energy.

Calming tip: When you’re in a difficult situation or feeling stressed, breathe in deeply, filling your body completely; on the exhale, intentionally release the stress. Now, in this moment, take yourself to that place where you felt love or joy or accomplishment. Sit in that energy and know that it exists in all moments. Then, take another deep breath, let the stress go and inhale love. Look at the situation you’re currently in and understand how your inner state can impact the outer environment, either by fueling stress or eliminating it. Keep breathing, and let your mind shift.

3. YOUR WORDS

The next key step is paying attention to your words. Do your words lift your spirits? Do the words you say create calm or promote the opposite reaction? It is impossible to feel a sense of inner peace when the words you speak are negative, judgmental or aggressive. Words carry energy. Where do you want your energy to be? Make sure your words match your desire.

Positive Change Exercise #2: Do a Vocabulary Audit

Notice some of the common phrases you use that create stress or struggle. I used to always say, “I am so busy.” It was an easy go-to when talking to people until I decided that I hated saying this and I hated the way it made me feel, as if I didn’t have time and was always on the go. Once I started to eliminate this phrase from my vocabulary, it was amazing what shifted. I felt more in control of my life and my time. “Busy” can be a choice. It takes practice to change, but the more you work on it, the easier it becomes.

4. YOUR ACTIONS

Finally, our actions need to create calm, too. This active part is one of the biggest aspects of creating change. But it is easier to carry out calm and harmonious behaviours when our words and thoughts are also in line with the goal of inner peace. When we train our brain to think and speak calmly, it becomes easier to do.

Positive Change Exercise #3: Do an Action Audit

Create a list of all the things you love to do that nourish your body and soul. Now look at that list. How many times a day or a week are you actually doing the things on your list? The simple act of bringing a conscious awareness to what you do is the first step toward accomplishing change.

  • Activities that can create inner calm:
  • Spending time in nature
  • Moving your body
  • Eating healthfully
  • Finding quiet time for self
  • Reading or journaling

Activities that can drain your energy:

  • Watching or reading the news
  • Eating unhealthy food
  • Surrounding yourself with toxic people
  • Spending too much time on social media

Think of other things you can add to your calm list and what you can eliminate or do less of from your energy drain list. This is what I call being in alignment.

The effort is in the inner work. When we realize the power we have within us to improve our thoughts, words and actions, we can see the results of these efforts in our own reality. We realize that we have some choice, regardless of what is going on around us. We get to choose what we think, say, do and feel.

May 11, 2021                   By: Julie Cass

source: www.canadianliving.com


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The Importance Of Self Acceptance – Stop Resisting And Find The Peace

You’re taking a 12-question biology test. You get 10 questions right and 2 questions wrong. You decide, “I’m stupid.” You tell a joke that your friends don’t quite get. You decide, “I always play the fool.” Your boyfriend breaks up with you. You decide, “I’m unlovable.”

When we lack self acceptance we bully ourselves into a rigid pursuit of perfectionism. We mercilessly judge, critique and flog ourselves into an impossible quest that dooms us to failure, guarantees unhappiness, and even induces physical and mental health problems. According to Richard Holden’s book, “Happiness Now!”, “Happiness and self acceptance go hand in hand.”

HERE ARE SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR FINDING SELF ACCEPTANCE:

LAUD YOUR STRENGTHS
Many people scrutinize perceived weakness and are dismissive of their strengths. The more we think about these shortcomings, the more ingrained they become, until they cast a long shadow over our merits. You can focus on your virtues and abilities by writing them down. If you’re struggling to write a list, simply write down one thing a day (and don’t criticize yourself for not writing more).

You can begin with something simple, such as, “I’m compassionate.” As the list grows, the old script withers. You’ll start recognizing your strengths, such as intelligence, creativity, problem solving and leadership.

Reinforce your self-esteem by listing the challenges you’ve surmounted, the goals you’ve achieved and the lives you’ve touched. Keep adding to this list.

FORGIVE YOURSELF
It’s often easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves. Past regrets can hobble our pursuit of self-love. Forgive yourself and move on. Learn from your mistake, use it as an opportunity for growth and remember that you can’t change the past. Remind yourself that you’re not that person anymore. If guilt bubbles up, tell yourself, “When I made this decision I didn’t know what I know now.”

SILENCE YOUR INNER CRITIC
Our brain is wired with negativity bias,a type of radar that seeks out negativity in order to protect us. This early warning system served our prehistoric ancestors well when a predator was looming. Now, however, our brain vilifies minor things such as a misplaced set of keys, a bad haircut — triggering our inner critic to pounce on and magnify small infractions one hundredfold.

When the inner critic throws a tantrum, manipulating you to believe, “If I lose, I’m a failure,” it can help to repeat a calming, supportive mantra such as, “I’m only human and I’m doing the best I can with what I know right now.” The critic thrives on black and white statements. Take comfort in the fact that our errors and shortcomings can be positively regarded as chances for growth and acceptance of self.

FORGET ABOUT IMPRESSING OTHERS
We often fixate on finding acceptance by “looking good” to others, and beat ourselves up if their reaction is lukewarm or nonexistent. We seek their validation that we’re smart, accomplished, lovable, and base our own assessments of ourselves on theirs. This also puts us in a miserable place of subjugation.

On your path to acceptance of yourself, know that if you cater to others and try to do so without failing or having missteps, your fear of mistakes will make you live so hesitantly that you’re not really living at all. What you can achieve has nothing to do with what others think is possible for you.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Many people refuse to allow themselves even a morsel of kindness because they believe that it is selfish, undeserved or a sign of weakness. Weakness, however, is part of being human. When you love yourself you discover acceptance of yourself. Accepting yourself germinates when you love yourself because of your flaws, not despite them.

CELEBRATE SMALL WINS
You don’t have to swim the English Channel, marry a rock star, or write a bestseller for your achievements to have meaning and value. What about the rose bushes you nurtured that finally burst into blossoms? Or your diligent couponing that slashed $30 off your last grocery bill? How about the first time your child tied his shoes?

When you acknowledge the small stuff, these achievements build upon each other to strengthen your sense of competence and confidence. In his book, “The Power of Habit,” Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, Charles Duhigg says, “Research has shown that small wins have enormous power and influence disproportionate to the accomplishments of the victories themselves.”

We — not the outside world — can be our own worst enemies, sabotaging acceptance of ourselves with grueling self-judgment, criticism and loathing. As a result, we don’t grow, and our world becomes smaller and smaller, constricting like a noose around our neck. Happily, this doesn’t seal your fate.

Self acceptance is your birthright, and these tips can help you achieve it.


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Lao Tzu’s Four Rules for Living

How to Live an Inspired and Peaceful Life

Many centuries ago, Lao Tzu, spoke of the four cardinal virtues, teaching that when we practice them as a way of life, we come to know the truth of the universe. The ancient Chinese master said that living and practicing these teachings can open you to higher wisdom and greater happiness, as they realign you to the source and enable you to access all the powers that source energy has to offer.

“When you succeed in connecting your energy with the divine realm through high awareness and the practice of undiscriminating virtue, the transmission of the ultimate subtle truths will follow.”  Lao Tzu

Lao Tzu means ‘Old Master,’ and he was believed by some to be a God-realised being. The Four Cardinal Virtues are found in the Tao Te Ching, a collection of sayings expounding the principal Taoist teachings. It has 81 short poetic verses packed full of universal wisdom for politics, society, and personal life, and aims to support personal harmony through the right view and understanding of existence. The Tao (also known as the Way or the Dao) has baffled its readers for centuries with its cryptic and deliberate contradictions, yet it offers a profound contemplation to seekers, lending itself to varied interpretations and inner questioning.

lao-tzu
Lao Tzu means ‘Old Master,’
and he was believed by some to be a God-realised being.

“The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal name. The Tao is both named and nameless. As nameless it is the origin of all things; as named it is the Mother of 10,000 things. Ever desireless, one can see the mystery; ever desiring, one sees only the manifestations. And the mystery itself is the doorway to all understanding.” ― Wayne W. Dyer, Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

The Tao Te Ching is the basic text of Taoism, but it has also influenced Confucianism and Chinese Buddhism, and is among some of the most translated works in world literature. This powerful text of the Tao, road or way of life, reflects the force of the universe and even the universe itself. While many have tried to make sense of its mystery, one man immersed himself in this text, literally living its wisdom, and then distilled the essence of these ancient mystery teachings for a modern audience.

In 2006, the late Wayne Dyer was inspired to spend his entire 65th year reading, researching, and meditating on Lao Tzu’s messages, going into retreat to practice them and ultimately write down the insights he felt Lao Ttzu wanted us to know.  Dr Dyer researched ten well respected translations of the text and the result of that life-changing year was his best-selling book Change Your Thoughts—Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao.

Affectionately known as the Father of Motivation, Dr Dyer says Lao Tzu’s four cardinal virtues represent the surest way to leave habits and excuses behind and reconnect to your original nature. “The more your life is harmonised with the four virtues, the less you’re controlled by the uncompromising ego.”

Dr Dyer says
Lao Tzu’s four cardinal virtues
represent the surest way
to leave habits and excuses behind.

The Tao encourages us to be in touch with our own selves, particularly our deepest selves, for when you know who you really are, that is when you discover eternal peace. Lao Tzu liked to compare different parts of nature to different virtues. He said, “The best people are like water, which benefits all things and does not compete with them. It stays in lowly places that others reject. This is why it is so similar to the Way (Dao).” Each part of nature can remind us of a quality we admire and should cultivate ourselves—the strength of the mountains, the resilience of trees, the cheerfulness of flowers.

We enter life with a seemingly clean slate, a spectacular pathway ahead of us with unlimited potentials and choices. To navigate our lives and get a handle on the challenges and gifts life will throw at us, it is useful to have some sort of compass so that we don’t end up on the rocks or lost at sea.

For many people this may be religion, morality, or the belief systems passed down by their family, and they may derive a sense of strength and direction through their strongly held inner compass sourced in this integrity. No matter what happens in life, they’ll always fall back on that maxim, whether it be, for example, to lead from the heart, or to be kind.

“To realise the constancy and steadiness in your life is to realise the deep nature of the universe. This realisation is not dependent on any transitory internal or external condition, rather it is an expression of one’s own immutable spiritual nature. The only way to attain the Universal Way is to maintain the integral virtues of the constancy, steadiness and simplicity in one’s daily life.” – Lao Tzu

The four cardinal virtues, or rules for living life, can provide a framework for a life filled with inner peace and purpose.

1. Reverence for all Life

This virtue manifests as having unconditional love and positive regard for all creatures in the universe, starting with ourselves, then this will naturally flow out to all others. This reverence is for all life, not just some forms. It is honouring all forms of life, and at its core has an innate spiritual understanding of how the universe truly works – that we are all sparks of the one fire. When we live with reverence for all life, we surrender our need to control and to dominate. We naturally come into heartfelt appreciation and gratitude for all of life. This first virtue is the key to diminishing the ego.

“Affirm this as often as you can, for when you see yourself in a loving way, you have nothing but love to extend outward. And the more you love others, the less you need old excuse patterns, particularly those relating to blame.” Wayne Dyer

2. Natural Sincerity

This virtue encompasses kindness and authenticity. To me, it has a feeling of compassion and an all-encompassing love for all beings. When we are sincere and act with integrity, we move towards peace and inner tranquility. Our conscience clear, we don’t have the inner niggles over our dishonest actions that can erode a peaceful mind. Much of these four pillars relate to karma, the law of cause and effect, and maintaining equilibrium and impeccability. This virtue is honesty, simplicity, and faithfulness, says Wayne Dyer. It is about being true to yourself and walking your talk.

According to Dyer, if you find this challenging, try affirming, “I no longer need to be insincere or dishonest. This is who I am, and this is how I feel.”

kindness_wisdom
Having unconditional love and positive regard
for all creatures in the universe.

 

3. Gentleness

Gentleness is a deeply powerful trait. Often interpreted as weakness, gentleness is sensitivity, respect, and reverence for all life. Perhaps this virtue can be summed up by the Dalai Lama who often says; “my religion is very simple, my religion is kindness.” In life, it is far more important to be kind than to be right, and to be kind rather than important. Gentleness is an umbrella for forgiveness, acceptance and love. It is much like the yogic term ahimsa, or non-violence. When we give up being right and being superior, we start accepting ourselves and others, and so much conflict in our lives drops away.

“Gentleness generally implies that you no longer have a strong ego-inspired desire to dominate or control others, which allows you to move into a rhythm with the universe. You cooperate with it, much like a surfer who rides with the waves instead of trying to overpower them. Gentleness means accepting life and people as they are, rather than insisting that they be as you are. As you practice living this way, blame disappears and you enjoy a peaceful world.” – Wayne Dyer

4. Supportiveness

When we are supportive of ourselves, with kind words, loving actions and self-care, we are naturally supportive of others. This virtue is the basic tenet of humanity. We are naturally social beings and, at our core, we want to be with others and to help others. Many experiments show how humans are motivated by connection and will move towards this rather than other things. When we give to others, share and support others, we become happy.  Our lives become meaningful and our hearts full. Supportiveness is about service. Open hearted service for the sake of helping others and benefiting others, with no thought to our own gain. Supportiveness is also about holding space for another, listening to another, and being there for others. It is radical loving kindness in action. This quote by the poet, Hafiz, sums it up: “Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth ‘you owe me.’”

“The greatest joy comes from giving and serving, so replace your habit of focusing exclusively on yourself and what’s in it for you. When you make the shift to supporting others in your life, without expecting anything in return, you’ll think less about what you want and find comfort and joy in the act of giving and serving.” Wayne Dyer

Let these four virtues fragrance your life, and notice the grace and ease that will come your way. For each one of these virtues brings in a way of being that is light, graceful and flowing and will help you shed destructive, self defeating patterns that sabotage your inner peace and happiness.

“The four cardinal virtues are a road map to the simple truth of the universe. To revere all of life, to live with natural sincerity, to practice gentleness, and to be in service to others is to replicate the energy field from which you originated.”  Dr Wayne Dyer

 

By UPLIFT on Saturday January 7th, 2017
 


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Have More Patience

“Without patience, we will learn less in life. We will see less. We will feel less. We will hear less. Ironically, rush and more usually mean less.”
— Mother Teresa

Patience: The Key To Peace

Patience is a spiritual lesson.

It calls us to the higher part of ourselves, that part of us that recognizes the divinity within. It overlooks our fear, mistrust, anger, confusion, and all the ways we build barriers to its recognition. It doesn’t even matter how high we build those barriers. Patience is always within reach, a steady force that sings a quiet song of peace.

Impatience isn’t a mere personality quirk or bad habit. It is a life lesson from your soul. Where there is a lack of patience there is a lack of trust and a hopeless feeling of being out of control. Impatience is fear made manifest. It tells us that outcome is uncertain. And uncertainty is never of the soul. Uncertainty is always of the ego and is your first clue that impatience is not the truth. The soul knows outcome is always assured because the soul sees your grace. When you are impatient you must ask yourself, “What is my source?” If you can truly answer that love is your source you will experience patience. “Love” meaning, the Love of God.

When we trust in the divine as our source we know we cannot be left out of the equation of life. The only thing that turns patience into perpetual waiting is lack of trust. Lack of trust comes from a lack of connection to the Infinity within. Your power really is already with you. It will never come from the outside. You will indeed wait forever if you are waiting for any force outside of you to come along and save you. Society teaches us that the “perfect” person or job will make us feel fulfilled. So many of us wait impatiently for that “perfect” something to come along. But that is not trusting. That is waiting on time and space to give you something. Patience is trusting in the presence of your soul and knowing that presence has the power to create that which you need in life. Patience is taking steps of action that lead you gently down the path of your own self. Patience does not compare and contrast. It does not judge. It keeps you in the present moment in grace and love. It is a gentle hug that reassures you that you are safe. The outcome is assured because you have allowed room for what you want to change form if that is what is needed. You have allowed room for personal growth and it is always personal growth that helps you recognize opportunity when it comes knocking.

 

patiencequote

What are you trusting in? Love. Plain and simple. Not the flight of fancy that changes with every glance or the desire that disguises itself as love. Not the wanting of the ego that drives into dark corners confusing us with promises of false satisfaction. No. The love that comes from knowing you are one with the divine, infinite nature that is the source of all there is. The love that keeps you firm in the truth of your soul. The love that cannot be altered based on the behavior of others. The love that is the constant wellspring within. From love flows peace as naturally as any river flows. It brings the calm, regal presence of trust into your conscious awareness and establishes a base of self actualization. From this base, you are centered, intuitively aware, and mindful.

When you are impatient with life remember, impatience takes away.
Patience provides.

Impatience takes you out of the present moment. Patience keeps you in the present moment. Impatience is fear. Patience is love.


by Livnam Kaur
Spiritual Intuitive, Writer, Ayurveda Wellness Practitioner, Reiki / IET Master Teacher, Speaker


Livnam Kaur is a Los Angeles based spiritual intuitive. Her work is about self-empowerment and finding the truth. Known for taking big spiritual concepts and explaining them in easy to understand language, she is a sought after teacher, writer, and speaker. She works to help people find fulfillment by connecting them to their own internal spiritual guidance, Divine Will, the Will of Soul. Once that connection is made, time and space clears and healing is welcomed. Livnam has a monthly spiritual advice column, Dear Livnam, answering questions about walking the spiritual path. She facilitates a weekly study group for A Course In Miracles, gives Spiritual Counseling and Healing sessions, teaches Kundalini Yoga and Meditation, Intuitive Development, and offers Personal Coaching.


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Amazing Ways to Find Peace within Yourself

Karnika Mahiyaria

How many of us have lost ourselves in obsessing, conflict and concern over the future, at feelings of inadequacy, failure, and guilt.

1. Change starts from within. You have to generate it inside you. If it’s on the surface, it wouldn’t be gratifying.

2. You are not the sole person responsible to make the world evolved. If we can evolve as individuals in one lifetime, we have benefited mankind greatly as we can then spread the influence. If growing is a struggle for you, you are doing it in the wrong way. It would be unproductive and wouldn’t help your progress.

3. Most of our greatest miseries are a result of failed expectations. So, minimize what you expect of life, the world around you, and from your people and yourself. Not only you will be less disappointed, but you’ll be less guilty too because you haven’t expected anything in the first instance.

find-peace-in-yourself

4.It is important to tolerate intolerance. If you are hard with people who are already hard hearted, you aren’t helping anyone. In fact, you run the risk of turning like them. So basically, you will also be amongst those who are contributing to the problem. And as Gandhi said rightly, “An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.” So when you feel yourself becoming intolerant of people, and their ways are beyond your understanding, remind yourself that they are doing their best to form and achieve their own level of consciousness (realization).

5. In order to attain your peace, realize that you aren’t here to be perfect. You are here to be real. To be you. Each moment, we are creating something. Some are creating something good and worthwhile while some others (intentionally or unintentionally) are creating things that are bad and dire. Choose what side of the world you want to become a part of.

6. Realize, detachment isn’t just a word. It needs practice before you come to the state. And it needs engagement. When your mind wants closure, finality, and certainty, remind yourself that this cannot happen because you are a human and humans evolve. So while, your brain might want to escape at the next station, remind yourself that it’s important to enjoy the ride.


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Dying at Home Brings More Peace Without More Pain, Study Finds

By Dennis Thompson     HealthDay Reporter    

FRIDAY, Oct. 9, 2015 (HealthDay News) — The choice to die at home, rather than in a hospital, provides great comfort to both the patient and their loved ones, a new British study says.

People who die at home experience more peace in their final days and hours than they would in a hospital, with no greater pain, according to findings published Oct. 8 in the journal BMC Medicine.

Further, their relatives experience less grief in the months following their passing, said lead author Barbara Gomes, a research fellow at King’s College London.

“Dying at home happened more peacefully, and in no greater pain, than in the hospital,” Gomes said. “This could bring some comfort and help people deal with what is a very difficult time for someone who has recently lost a friend or relative to cancer.”

But the researchers also identified a set of factors that must be in place for a person to be able to die at home.

Both the patient and their relatives must be on board with the decision, the study showed. The patient also needs to have access to palliative care and nursing support in the home during their last three months of life.

These factors “are almost essential,” Gomes said. “They were present in more than 91 percent of home deaths.”

The new study involved 352 bereaved relatives of London cancer patients, 177 of whom died in a hospital and 175 who died at home. The relatives filled out questionnaires that measured the patient’s pain and peace in the last week of life, and the relative’s own intensity of grief.

The researchers found that about 25 percent of patients who died in a hospital experienced little to no peace in the last week of their lives. By comparison, only 12 percent of patients dying at home were unable to find any peace.

Being at home during one’s final days can help a person take solace in the life they lived, said Don Schumacher, president and CEO of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization, based in Alexandria, Va.

“The smells, the familiarity, the comfort, the love, the things they’ve helped to create, the garden they’ve built — all of this is around them,” Schumacher said. “It creates such a sense of accomplishment and nurturing and caring.”

The study also found that relatives reported that people who died at home experienced no more pain than those who died receiving hospital care.

hands

“Many people with cancer justifiably fear pain,” Gomes said. “So, it is encouraging that we observed patients dying at home did not experience greater pain than those in hospitals, where access to pain-relieving drugs may be more plentiful.”

Dying at home also appeared to help the people left behind. Relatives reported less intense grief when the patient died at home, even months following their death.

Bereaved relatives might receive some comfort from the fact that the patient died more peacefully, Gomes said. They also may have been able to spend more time with the person in a familiar setting, helping them achieve a sense of closure.

However, dying at home requires that the patient clearly express the desire to do so, and often requires relatives to support that decision, the study found.

That means people need to have end-of-life discussions sooner rather than later with loved ones, and make their wishes clear, Schumacher said.

“Don’t wait too long to have these conversations,” he said. “There’s nothing worse than waiting until you’re in crisis, because then it’s so easy to misinterpret things.”

People also were more likely to die at home if their relatives had accepted the fact that their condition was terminal, the researchers found.

Health care professionals who are skilled in end-of-life care can help facilitate these discussions, Gomes said. They also can make sure that the topic is revisited regularly, as a person might change his or her mind or the medical situation might require that the plan be altered.

The patient also needs strong hospice support to die at home, according to the findings, and that means people living in some areas will be more apt to have their wishes obeyed.

People in the United Kingdom, the United States and Canada appear to have sufficient access to hospice care to allow them the option of dying at home, the researchers said in background information, while people in Japan, Germany, Greece and Portugal often die in a hospital because there’s less support for hospice.

“The reality may be different in other regions, particularly in those where access to home palliative care teams — specialists in controlling pain and any other challenging symptoms in the community setting — is patchy,” Gomes said.


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8 Subconscious Behaviors That Are Keeping You From Having the Life You Want

08/10/2015      Brianna Wiest 

Every generation has a “monoculture” of sorts, a governing pattern or system of beliefs that people unconsciously accept as “truth.” It’s easy to identify the monoculture of Germany in the 1930s, or America in 1776. It’s clear what people at those times, in those places, accepted to be “good” and “true” even when in reality, that was certainly not always the case.

The objectivity required to see the effects of present monoculture is very difficult to maintain (once you have so deeply accepted an idea as ‘truth’ it doesn’t register as ‘cultural’ or ‘subjective’ anymore) … but it’s crucial. So much of our inner turmoil is simply the result of conducting a life we don’t inherently agree with, because we have accepted an inner narrative of “normal” and “ideal” without ever realizing.

The fundamentals of any given monoculture tend to surround how to live your best life, how to live a better life, and what’s most worth living for (nation, religion, self, etc.) and there are a number of ways in which our current system has us shooting ourselves in the feet as we try to step forward. Simply, there are a few fundamentals on happiness, decision making, instinct following and peace finding that we don’t seem to understand.

So here, eight of the daily behaviors and unconscious habits that are keeping you from the life you really want.

1. You believe that creating your best possible life is a matter of deciding what you want and then going after it, but in reality, you are psychologically incapable of being able to predict what will make you happy.

Your brain can only perceive what it’s known, so when you choose what you want for the future, you’re actually just re-creating a solution or an ideal of the past. Ironically, when said ideas don’t come to fruition (things never look the way we think they will) you suffer, because you think you’ve failed, when really, you’re most likely experiencing something better than you could have chosen for yourself at the time. (Moral of the story: Living in the moment isn’t a lofty ideal reserved for the zen and enlightened, it’s the only way to live a life that isn’t infiltrated with illusions… it’s the only thing your brain can actually comprehend.)

2. You extrapolate the present moment because you believe that success is somewhere you “arrive,” so you are constantly trying to take a snapshot of your life and see if you can be happy yet.

You accidentally convince yourself that any given moment is your life, when in reality, it is a moment in your life. Because we’re wired to believe that success is somewhere we get to – when goals are accomplished and things are completed – we’re constantly measuring our present moments by how “finished” they are, how good the story sounds, how someone else would judge the summary. (If at any point you find yourself thinking: “is this all there is?” you’re forgetting that everything is transitory. There is nowhere to “arrive” at. The only thing you’re rushing toward is death. Accomplishing goals is not success. How much you learn and enjoy and expand in the process of doing them is.)

3. You assume that when it comes to following your “gut instincts,” happiness is “good,” and fear and pain is “bad.”

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When you consider doing something that you truly love and are invested in, you are going to feel an influx of fear and pain, mostly because it will involve being vulnerable. When it comes to making decisions, you have to know that bad feelings are not deterrents. They are indicators that you want to do something, but it scares you (which are the things most worth doing, if you ask me). Not wanting to do something would make you feel indifferent about it. Fear = interest.

4. You needlessly create problems and crises in your life because you’re afraid of actually living it.

The pattern of unnecessarily creating crisis in your life is actually an avoidance technique. It distracts you from actually having to be vulnerable or held accountable or whatever it is you’re afraid of. You’re never upset for the reason you think you are: at the core of your desire to create a problem is simply the fear of being who you are, and living the life you want.

5. You think that to change your beliefs, you have to adopt a new line of thinking, rather than seek experiences that make that thinking self-evident.

A belief is what you know to be true because experience has made it evident to you. If you want to change your life, change your beliefs. If you want to change your beliefs, go out and have experiences that make them real to you. Not the opposite way around.

6. You think “problems” are road blocks to achieving what you want, when in reality, they are pathways.

If you haven’t heard it before, Marcus Aurelius sums this up well: “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” Ryan Holiday explains it even more gracefully: “The obstacle is the way.” Simply, running into a “problem” forces you to take action to resolve it. That action leads you down the path you had ultimately intended to go anyway, as the only “problems” in your life ultimately come down to how you resist who you are and how your life naturally unfolds.

7. You think your past defines you, and worse, you think that it is an unchangeable reality, when really, your perception of it changes as you do.

Because experience is always multi-dimensional, there are a variety of memories, experiences, feelings, “gists” you can choose to recall… and what you choose is indicative of your present state of mind. So many people get caught up in allowing the past to define them, or haunt them, simply because they have not evolved to the place of seeing how the past did not prevent them from achieving the life they want… it facilitated it (see: the obstacle is the way). This doesn’t mean to disregard or gloss over painful or traumatic events, but simply to be able to recall them with acceptance and to be able to place them in the storyline of your personal evolution.

8. You try to change other people, situations and things (or you just complain/get upset about them) when anger = self-recognition.

Most negative emotional reactions are you identifying a disassociated aspect of yourself. Your “shadow selves” are the parts of you that, at some point, you were conditioned to believe were “not okay,” so you suppressed them and have done everything in your power not to acknowledge them. You don’t actually dislike these parts of yourself, though, you absolutely love them. So when you see somebody else displaying one of these traits, it absolutely infuriates you, not because you inherently dislike it, but because you have to fight your desire to fully integrate it into your whole consciousness. The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself. The things you hate about others are the things you cannot see in yourself.


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7 Things You Should Stop Expecting from Others

WRITTEN by MARC CHERNOFF 

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations
and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
―Bruce Lee

The biggest disappointments in our lives are often the result of misplaced expectations.  This is especially true when it comes to our relationships and interactions with others.

Tempering your expectations of other people will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration and suffering, in both your life and theirs, and help you refocus on the things that truly matter.

Which means it’s time to…

1.  Stop expecting them to agree with you.

You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to live a life you are excited about.  Don’t let the opinions of others make you forget that.  You are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that others are here to live up to yours.  In fact, the more you approve of your own decisions in life, the less approval you need from everyone else.

You have to dare to be yourself, and follow you own intuition, however frightening or strange that may feel or prove to be.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  Don’t get discouraged by their progress or success.  Follow your own path and stay true to your own purpose.  Success is ultimately about spending your life happily in your own way.

2.  Stop expecting them to respect you more than you respect yourself.

True strength is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.  It’s about having faith and trust in who you are, and a willingness to act upon it.  Decide this minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself.

Today, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you, and from now on I’m going to act like it.”  It’s important to be nice to others, but it’s even more important to be nice to yourself.  When you practice self-love and self-respect, you give yourself the opportunity to be happy.  When you are happy, you become a better friend, a better family member, and a better YOU.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

3.  Stop expecting (and needing) them to like you.

You might feel unwanted and unworthy to one person, but you are priceless to another.  Don’t ever forget your worth.  Spend time with those who value you.  No matter how good you are to people, there will always be one negative person who criticizes you.  Smile, ignore them, and carry on.

In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, the toughest battle you’ll ever have to fight is the battle to be yourself.  And as you’re fighting back, not everyone will like you.  Sometimes people will call you names because you’re “different.”  But that’s perfectly OK.  The things that make you different are the things that make YOU, and the right people will love you for it.

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4.  Stop expecting them to fit your idea of who they are.

Loving and respecting others means allowing them to be themselves.  When you stop expecting people to be a certain way, you can begin to appreciate THEM.

Pay close attention, and respect people for who they are and not for who you want them to be.  We don’t know most people half as well as we believe we do; and truly knowing someone is a big part of what makes them wonderful.  Every human being is remarkable and beautiful; it just takes a patient set of eyes to see it.  The more you get to know someone, the more you will be able to look beyond their appearance and see the beauty of who they truly are.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

5.  Stop expecting them to know what you’re thinking.

People can’t read minds.  They will never know how you feel unless you tell them.  Your boss?  Yeah, he doesn’t know you’re hoping for a promotion because you haven’t told him yet.  That cute guy you haven’t talked to because you’re too shy?  Yeah, you guessed it, he hasn’t given you the time of day simply because you haven’t given him the time of day either.

In life, you have to communicate with others regularly and effectively.  And often, you have to open your vocal cords and speak the first words.  You have to tell people what you’re thinking.  It’s as simple as that.

6.  Stop expecting them to suddenly change.

If there’s a specific behavior someone you care about has that you’re hoping disappears over time, it probably won’t.  If you really need them to change something, be honest and put all the cards on the table so this person knows how you feel and what you need them to do.

For the most part though, you can’t change people and you shouldn’t try.  Either you accept who they are or you choose to live without them.  It’s might sound harsh, but it’s not.  When you try to change people, they often remain the same, but when you don’t try to change them – when you support them and allow them the freedom to be as they are – they gradually change in the most beautiful way.  Because what really changes is the way you see them.  (Read A New Earth.)

7.  Stop expecting them to be “OK.”

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle, just like you.  Every smile or sign of strength hides an inner struggle every bit as complex and extraordinary as your own.

Remember that embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring your dark.  We are measured by our ability to overcome adversities and insecurities, not avoid them.  Supporting, sharing and making contributions to other people is one of life’s greatest rewards.  This happens naturally if we allow it, because we all share very similar dreams, needs and struggles.  Once we accept this, the world then is a place where we can look someone else in the eye and say, “I’m lost and struggling at the moment,” and they can nod and say, “Me too,” and that’s OK.  Because not being “OK” all the time, is perfectly OK.

Afterthoughts

People rarely behave exactly the way you want them to.  Hope for the best, but expect less.  And remember, the magnitude of your happiness will be directly proportional to your thoughts and how you choose to think about things.  Even if a situation or relationship doesn’t work out at all, it’s still worth it if it made you feel something new, and if it taught you something new.


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3 Buddhist Beliefs That Will Rock Your World (And Make You Much Happier!)

You don’t have to practice yoga or follow an Ayurvedic diet to benefit from Buddhist ideas (but if you do, more power to you).

Whether or not you think about balancing your dosha, here are three powerful elements of Buddhist philosophy, “The Noble Truths,” and how you can incorporate them into every day. They might just change your life…

1. Dukkha: Life is painful and causes suffering.

Many people might say that Buddhism is pessimistic or negative. This is a common result of learning that one of the Noble Truths is translated as “Life is suffering.” But there’s more to this statement. It’s not just telling us, “Life is tough, so deal with it.” So what is it telling us?

We actually can create more suffering in our lives by trying to avoid or suppress difficult emotions. Yes, our lives are inevitably punctuated with various unpleasant feelings: loss, sadness, fatigue, boredom, anxiety appear and reappear during our lives.

But attaching or clinging to particular expectations, material items, and states of being is often a cause for acute frustration, disappointment, and other forms of pain. So rather than fear our suffering or seek an ultimate resolution to it (and become frustrated by our lack of finding one), we can learn simply to recognize our suffering.

How we can use this belief every day: Try not to buy into the idea that you’re broken. Expect that death, aging, sickness, suffering, and loss are part of life. Practice acceptance in the face of strife. Stop attaching to the idea that life should be easy and pain free, both emotionally and physically. This is a misconception made popular by the fashion, beauty, and pharmaceutical industries.

Illness, heartbreak, loss, disappointment, and frustration are parts of life that can be mitigated by practicing “non-attachment.” Try to embrace imperfection, to let go of this belief that life should be a certain way. Open your heart to uncertainty.

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2. Anitya: Life is in constant flux.

Anitya or “impermanence” means that life as we know it is in constant flux. We can never access the moment that just passed, nor can we ever replicate it. As each day passes, our cells are different, our thoughts develop, the temperature and air quality shifts. Everything around us is different. Always.

When we are feeling especially uncomfortable, the concept of impermanence can be, paradoxically, comforting. In other words: if nothing is permanent, we know our pain will pass. But when we are experiencing joy, the idea of impermanence can be incredibly fear-inducing.

If we accept the idea of impermanence at face-value, it can be incredibly liberating. In the West, about 100 years after the Buddha expressed this idea, Greek philosopher Heraclitus mirrored the belief when he famously said, “You can never step in the same river twice.” All we have is the present moment.

How we can use it in our everyday lives: Celebrate the idea of change. Accept that everything is constantly changing. It’s kind of amazing, when you just think about it! And even when the idea of impermanence might feel scary, it helps us appreciate everything we are experiencing in the present: our relationships, body, mood, health, the weather, our favorite shoes, our jobs, our youth, our minds. So let’s savor those moments we do enjoy and know that the ones we don’t enjoy will pass.

3. Anatma: The self is always changing.

When I ask clients what they want to get out of therapy, they commonly answer, “I want to find myself.” Our culture has led us to believe there’s a concrete, constant “self” tucked away somewhere in us. Is it between our heart and liver? Or somewhere unknown in our brain? Who knows!

Buddhism, however, assumes there is no fixed, stable “self.” In line with Anitya (impermanence), our cells, memories, thoughts, and personal narratives — all of the “matter” that ultimately comprises our identities — change over time.

Sure, we all have personalities (though they can change over time). We have names, and jobs, and other titles that we use to identify ourselves, to feel a sense of “self.”

But the idea of a constant self is yet another story our culture has told us. It is a story we can change, and thereby accept the idea that we ourselves can change — at any time, in any place. As Thich Nhat Hanh says, “Thanks to impermanence, anything is possible.”

How we can use it in our everyday life: Instead of focusing on “finding ourselves,” we ought to focus on creating the self we wish to be at every moment. It’s possible for us to be, and feel, different today than we were and felt yesterday. Being depressed today doesn’t mean we’ll be depressed forever. We can forgive others. We can forgive ourselves.

Once we let go of our attachment to the idea of the constant “self,” we can rest more comfortably with the constant change present in all of life. In each new moment, we ourselves are new.