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Positive People: The 3 Emotionally Intelligent Behaviors They Practice Daily

Engage negativity with the weapons of positivity.

There is simply no magic pill when it comes to becoming a more positive person. Everything behind what they do can be boiled down to one word: mindset.

To become more positive, especially in negative work environments that strip you of your joy and dignity, you have to engage the negative forces that surround you with three weapons of positivity.

1. Develop your self-awareness.

Self-awareness is a weapon used to protect you from yourself and your shortcomings. Remember to first inspect whether you’re the source of negative behavior. For example, are you a gossiper? If so, ask yourself three questions:

  •     How does it make me feel when I spread rumors?
  •     Why do I need to have this feeling?
  •     What does the behavior of talking bad behind someone’s back reveal to others about my own attitude?

This is where a boost of self-awareness does wonders. If you’re like most people bent on becoming more positive, you’ll probably gain some insight into how you are perceived when spreading gossip.

While getting to the core of your attitude and why it influences your behavior isn’t a cure-all solution, it’s a great first step to positivity. It also helps to expose the things that you’ve been hiding from yourself.

positivity

 

2. Break down your negative support systems.

Now that you’ve gained self-awareness, your next weapon is used to scan the landscape to determine what support systems are in place that reinforce negative attitudes and behaviors.

In the workplace, you’ll often find pockets of people and outdated management practices (like micromanagement or controlling behaviors) that often support and feed a toxic work culture.

Sticking with the theme of gossip, a willingness to actively participate in it and listen to circles of gossip is an example of how you may be feeding into the negative support system that fuels toxicity.

One weapon of positivity to counter this type of stronghold is to outright reject any association with negative forces that don’t promote the values of respect, trust, and accountability.

Plan to attack negative behaviors at the spot where they’re weakest. For example, if you really want to stop being around gossip, put limits on those who do it. Turn down lunch invitations from gossiping peers and co-workers, and walk away from sidebar and parking lot conversations that are beckoning to suck you into the negativity.

3. Have positive substitutes for negative behaviors.

Finally, replace those negative support systems with positive options that will deliver better results. We’re talking here about intentionally seeking out work relationships with positive people who share the very values that lead to healthy collaboration, safe work engagement, and energizing productivity.

You’ll know these positive people after a while; they’re the ones who have strict boundaries themselves and never get sucked into negativity. They think ahead about how to improve a bad situation, take accountability for their actions, and move toward contributing to solutions to organizational problems with positive intent.

By Marcel Schwantes    Principal and founder, Leadership From the Core     @MarcelSchwantes
source: www.inc.com
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How to Stop Projecting

These tips can help you stop projecting your less-flattering traits onto other people.

Expert Source: Psychotherapist and clinical psychologist Joseph Burgo, PhD, author of Why Do I Do That? Psychological Defense Mechanisms and the Hidden Ways They Shape Our Lives.

Cranky existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote, “Hell is other people,” and we’ve all felt this way from time to time. Especially when the snide comments of a coworker, a friend’s constant complaining, or our sister’s endless bossiness annoy us to distraction. If only they would change, we think, we’d find some peace.

We’re often wrong about that. In a process psychologists call projection, we attribute traits we dislike in ourselves to other people. Then those people drive us crazy when they remind us of qualities that we’re trying to suppress.

“Parts of ourselves don’t simply disappear when we disown them,” explains psychotherapist Joseph Burgo, PhD, author of Why Do I Do That?

Shouting “I could never be like that!” in response to an annoying person helps deflect attention from the part of us that is actually like that. And even if the other person renounces his or her unpleasant behavior forevermore, someone else will come along and trip that trigger — at least until we accept that we’re rejecting it in ourselves. This process is part of what Burgo calls our “innate tendency toward integration.”

Learning to identify projection, Burgo says, is enough to stop it in its tracks — and prevent it from harming our relationships. He offers some tips on how to get a handle on this sneaky psychological defense mechanism.

Challenges to Overcome
• Ego. We tend to believe we’re mostly perfect, which has its drawbacks. “When we encounter something that challenges this idealized view of ourselves,” Burgo says, “we’re much more likely to blame it on other people than to own it.”

• Lack of awareness. The projection response is largely unconscious, he notes. Until we notice its signs in our mind and body — physical tension, mental obsession — we’ll be unaware that we’re doing it.

• Psychic resistance. The whole point of projection is to offload feelings that we don’t want to feel — usually aggression, sadness, shame — onto others. So, it’s natural that we resist owning up to our feelings and the role we are playing in a difficult relationship. “We’re not particularly interested in taking back the projections because they’re painful,” he says.

• Habit. If we’ve been projecting for years onto a person or group, the pattern may be so ingrained that it operates like a “built-in defense,” says Burgo.

• Exhaustion. We’re more likely to project our feelings onto others when we’re tired, tense, stressed, or feeling rundown.

• Our real shortcomings. “There are always ways in which we fall short,” Burgo notes, “so trying to maintain a sense of self-worth can be challenging. It’s much easier to blame other people than to struggle with our own feelings of shame or disappointment.”

• The real shortcomings of others. The people who bug us are not perfect either; they may well be displaying antisocial or inappropriate behavior. Distinguishing the difference between our “stuff” and theirs isn’t easy.

• Dehumanization. When we project, says Burgo, we turn the other person into a symbol: the Bossy Jerk or the Needy Wreck. “They become a personification of the thing you’re getting rid of. Rather than being a whole person with whom you might be able to empathize, they become a kind of caricature.”

Strategies for Success
• Notice preoccupation. Projection has characteristics that distinguish it from mere irritation, says Burgo, and chief among these is an “inability to let go of our focus on the other person.” This comes with intense feelings and a conviction that you are not like that person or group at all. “It’s a kind of mental blaming and self-justification that can go on and on and on.”

• Look inward. Projection is, by definition, a turning outward. The first step in overcoming it, he says, is to make the shift to self-awareness. Take stock of how you’re feeling, how you’re breathing, and so on. This will help interrupt your obsessive focus on the “problem” person and redirect your attention to where it can do some good.

• Calm yourself. “Focus on your breathing to stop the word-chatter in your head that’s justifying the projections,” Burgo advises. Take a few breaths in on a count of four, and exhale on a count of eight. This is a simple and effective way to settle yourself down.

• Notice your body. When he senses he may be projecting, Burgo does a body scan, checking “my back and shoulders where I carry tension, around my eyes where I register fatigue and sadness, in my belly where I feel hunger and other kinds of longing.” He suggests noticing these sensations without trying to explain them in relation to someone else — which can be challenging.

• Get real. Burgo acknowledges that difficult people may well possess the same negative traits you disavow in yourself. “We often project into reality, meaning that if we’re a very critical person, we’ll project it onto someone who actually is critical,” he explains. “But they’re not only critical, and you need to try to see them in their full humanity. And if they are truly toxic, you need to shield yourself from them rather than making use of them to disown parts of yourself you don’t like.”

• Trade places with the other. Burgo suggests asking yourself, “How would I feel if I knew somebody else was thinking about me the way I’m thinking about X or Y?” This can help convert the other person from a symbol of what you don’t like (in yourself!) into a human being who, like you, is probably just doing the best he or she can.

This originally appeared as “Own Up” in the September 2017 print issue of Experience Life.

Jon Spayde is an Experience Life contributing editor.

BY JON SPAYDE | SEPTEMBER 2017


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Here’s Exactly How to Tap into Your Intuition for a Happier, Healthier Life

How many times have you said to yourself, “I had a bad feeling about this. I just wish I had listened to my gut!” You don’t have to be a psychic to tune in to your inner voice, and it can help you make better decisions in every area of your life.

Are intuition and instinct the same thing?

“People who think intuition comes from the unconscious may be confusing it with instinct,” says Seana Moran, EdD, a developmental psychologist at Clark University. Dr. Moran gives the instinctive, fight-or-flight stress response as an example of the body’s inherent, instinctual responses. “As opposed to the instincts expressed through our bodies, intuition is our mind’s automated response to multiple situations. It is often based on learning a task so well that it becomes natural,” she explains. Instincts, like the fight-or-flight response, are often triggered by chemical responses in the nervous system. Here are some weird things which may trigger it.

So, if it’s not an instinct, what is intuition, exactly?

Many experts say that intuition is a type of sixth sense that can help steer you toward a good decision if you let it. It may sound airy-fairy intangible, but in reality, intuition is a fine-tuned muscle you can develop over time based on learning from your experiences and environmental clues. “Intuition is, ‘I just know.’ It’s involved in the ‘aha!’ moment when a good idea suddenly comes to mind,” says Dr. Moran, who thinks of intuition as a confident decision that does not result from conscious analysis, logic, or deliberate steps. “It’s involved in everyday behaviors that have been overlearned, and are done automatically, such as brushing teeth, or riding a bike,” she adds. She cites Nobel Laureate psychologist Daniel Kahneman, who refers to intuition as fast thinking that we feel internally, as an immediate answer. Multiple studies, including a 2006 study at the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences substantiate this claim.

Learning how to flex the intuition muscle

“I think like a lot of things, intuition takes practice,” says therapist Phoebe Farber, PhD. Dr. Farber thinks of intuition as a visceral sense that can aid in your decision-making if you pay attention to it. “Say you’re meeting someone for the first time,” she explains. “You pick up on something about them that doesn’t sit right with you but the person is friendly, so you stop thinking about your first reaction. Later on, you realize that something was wrong, after all, and that your inner voice was trying to tell you. I’ve had situations when I didn’t pay attention to that feeling and then, it wasn’t OK,” she explains. The more you use your intuition, the easier it gets. According to data from Civic Science, a marketing agency, the experiences you acquire over your lifetime also help. That’s why older individuals tend to “trust their gut” more often than young adults do. Civic Science’s main findings indicate that 84 percent of Americans believe in intuition, but that those who don’t believe in trusting that sixth sense are more likely to be under 18. The group also found that people who do believe in intuition are more likely to have kids, jobs, and a spouse. They’re also typically 35 to 54 years old.

 

Gut, mind, or muscle memory—where does intuition live?

Whether you think of your intuition as a gut instinct, or the accumulation of sensory input activating the median orbito-frontal cortex of the brain, intuition may be hard to identify, and even harder to grasp. There’s even some research indicating that intuition may reside in, or at least impact, the heart. No matter where you believe your intuition lives, it’s important that you learn how to work this all-important, albeit intangible, muscle.

Learning how to listen to that inner voice

Think about all the stimuli around you at all times. “So much is coming in—so much sensation—that we’re saturated with it, and this can create a level of unconsciousness about how we take in the world that we’re completely unaware of,” Dr. Farber explains. “That unconscious osmosis is really important because it gives us significant information we can use to guide our conscious decision-making.” Dr. Farber meditates daily, which helps her tune in to her intuitive thoughts and feelings. “Quieting the noise may be as simple as paying attention to your sensations, reactions, and feelings, so you can slow yourself down, and not go on automatic pilot,” she suggests. Practicing meditation, yoga, and deep breathing are all ways to help yourself quiet down. Exercise, saunas, and even hot steamy baths, may help. The less chaos you let affect you, the more you’re able to connect with your intuitive self.

I think, therefore I am (unable to tune into my intuition)

The biggest enemy of intuition is another bane of modern life—overthinking. “If we reasoned our way through every decision or behavior, our minds would gridlock on processing all the details that need to be coordinated,” Dr Moran says. “Take, for example, walking. We learned to walk as toddlers, and now our bodies know how, so we don’t consciously think about it anymore. Same with speaking or writing or eating. As a result, intuition could be considered the after-effect of overthinking, or over-learning.” Overthinking eliminates your ability to tap into intuition.

Can intuition make you more successful at work?

You know that person in the boardroom who always seems to be one step ahead of everyone else? A lot of that may be due to good old-fashioned elbow grease, but intuition, and the confidence it brings, are probably playing a big role. Huffingtonpost.com reported on the 10 things that highly intuitive people do differently than the average worker, and one of them is that they listen to their instincts. The article also quotes Steve Jobs as saying that intuition is more effective in business than intellect is. You’ve probably spent most of your life trying to learn as much as you can, with good results. Tapping into your intuitive sense, however, in addition to the knowledge and skills you’ve already acquired, may very well make you unstoppable. Here are some additional strategies successful people use at work every day.

Can intuition make you more successful at love?

What if there really is such a thing as love at first sight? Could it be that your inner voice can identify the person who will be good for you instantaneously? For some, the answer may be yes, and for others, not so much. But the next time you see that person across a crowded room, you might want to try trusting your gut instead of tuning it out and listening instead to the unending parade of thoughts that often accompany those meetings. Instinctual thought works the same way in all situations, by culling, instantaneously, your past experiences and environmental clues. Whether the person you’re meeting is a future boss or a future husband, your gut instinct has no choice but to operate on your behalf. Once you learn how to connect with it, it won’t steer you wrong.

BY COREY WHELAN
source: www.rd.com


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Emotional Intelligence Isn’t A Philosophy, It’s A Fundamental Part Of Survival

BY MAZWI TYSON ZONDI

In a world that encourages shallowness and consumerism (which aren’t as far apart as one might think) we need to be able to develop emotional intelligence. We need to realize that it is just as important as mental (and other forms) of intelligence, if not more so.

People have all these misconceptions about emotional intelligence: they believe that it is dismissing every negative emotion and choosing only to feel positive- whereas doing this is near impossible to do.

Either that, or they believe it is dismissing emotion altogether, and living in a constant neutral state. This is even more dangerous, as suppressed feelings always find a way to come to the forefront. And not always in the best way.

Emotional intelligence, really, is about knowing our emotions, and listening to whatever said emotions call us to do.

Emotions aren’t enemies to be silenced. They never were. They are only signals to show us how we interpret a given situation, and it is up to us to learn how to manage those signals so that they can lead us to fulfilling, happy lives.

Emotional intelligence has not developed as we have. When we weren’t as highly actualized beings, we knew that fear meant to run, and pain meant to be present, and so on. Our emotions evolved, but our minds haven’t caught up yet.

emotional intelligence

We don’t know what to do with complex feelings – how to interpret them, how to respond. So we don’t know how to ensure our survival in 2016. We may not be running from lions, but now we’re at risk of running from ourselves.

In gaining emotional intelligence, you learn that the manner in which you are in tune with your emotions = how you are able to manage your life.

Communication skills seem to be in abundance for those with high levels of emotional intelligence. This makes sense, seeing as how communication is, by far, the most common trait in successful relationships (romantic, or otherwise).

Speaking of relationships, knowing yourself emotionally changes your perspective on how to get to a successful long-term relationship. You realize that a relationship that is worth giving your time, attention and emotional availability to isn’t just found. It is built. It is cultivated. It is made.

And the most important relationship of them all?

The relationship you have with yourself.

You see the importance of knowing oneself; to have a sense of self-awareness. And so you go on walks, meditate, read, journal, and take personality-type tests in order to better understand yourself. To be able to live a life where anger, sadness and fear aren’t to be avoided at all costs, but to be felt and used for our benefit.

All in all, emotional intelligence is probably the closest thing humanity has to life intelligence.