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Positive Self-Talk: 7 Things Mentally Healthy People Tell Themselves

The messages we give to ourselves every day have enormous power. Anything that is repeated and repeated and repeated can become “truth” — even when it isn’t. Any coach will tell you that practice doesn’t necessarily make perfect but it certainly does make permanent.

Repeating negative messages can wear down our sense of self as surely as a constant stream of water will wear down even the hardest stone. Repeating positive messages, on the other hand, is more like creating a pearl in an oyster. With each additional positive message, our confidence and competence grows.

Positive psychologists have studied this extensively. As long ago as the 1950s, Abraham Maslow said that a self-actualized person is someone who focuses on her talents and strengths. Director of the Penn Positive Psychology Center Dr. Martin Seligman, who has been called the father of positive psychology, has found that when people identify and use their top strengths regularly, they can be more productive and can experience a high level of self-esteem. (If you’d like to identify your top strengths, you can take Dr. Seligman’s free quiz).

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, has concluded that positivity helps “broaden our ideas about possible actions, opening our awareness to a wider range of thoughts and actions than is typical.”

What all this means on a practical level is that deciding to emphasize the positive is the key to a happy and productive life. Yes, deciding. Where we put our attention is a decision. It can seem like dark clouds cover every silver lining. But that silver lining is still there if we look for it.

Feeling good (or at least better) will not happen if we tell ourselves over and over that we are helpless and the situation is hopeless. To strengthen or improve our mental health, we all need to think the way mentally healthy people think: Shifting our focus from all that is wrong to whatever we can find that is good, positive and possible in ourselves, other people and in our situation is the key to thriving.

7 Things Mentally Healthy People Tell Themselves

“I am a lovable.” No child is born who is not lovable. Look at any newborn. That button nose and those tiny fingers and toes are meant to engage adult’s protective and loving feelings. You were no different. The adults around you when you were small may have been too wounded, too ill or to overwhelmed to love you but that is on them. You were and are — just by the fact of your existence — a lovable person.

“I am capable.” From the time they take their first breath, humans are wired to learn, to adapt, and to grow. You have been learning and growing every minute. You may not have been taught all you need to know to manage your feelings or to take care of yourself. You may have learned unusual behaviors or in order to survive. But you are never too old to learn new skills. Anything you’ve learned that is not helpful or healthy can be unlearned.

“Most other people are lovable and capable, too.” It’s crucial not to let negative or painful experiences with a few negative or toxic individuals color our opinion of everyone. The majority of people in the world do mean well and are doing the best they can. Once we’re adults, we can choose who we want to surround ourselves with. We can seek out the people who are living lives that are decent, warm and contributing good to the world.

“Success comes from doing.” It’s been proven over and over again by researchers: Feeling good comes from doing good things. Positive self-esteem is the outcome, not the prerequisite, for being successful in relationships, school, work, sports, hobbies —  just about anything. We all have a choice whether we wait to feel better or we do the things that we know will help us become better.

“Challenges are opportunities.” Life isn’t always easy or fair. How we meet challenges and obstacles is a choice. Healthy people find ways to engage with a problem and look for ways to solve it. They refuse to let their fears keep them from trying something new, even if it is difficult. Stretching ourselves outside of our comfort zones is what helps us grow. Mentally healthy people also recognize that sometimes the opportunity hidden inside a challenge is the opportunity to say “no.” Not all problems are worth solving. Not all problems can be “solved” as they are defined.

“It is only human to make mistakes”: Mentally healthy people know that a mistake is not the reason to give up. It is an opportunity to learn and try again. Willingness to acknowledge and fix our errors is a mark of strength. Cultivating the courage to be imperfect is central to being willing to try again.

“I have what it takes to cope with change — and to make changes.” Change is inevitable in life. Mentally healthy people believe in their ability to cope and to adapt to changes. They aren’t unrealistic. They don’t deny the seriousness of a problem. They do acknowledge when a situation is very difficult. They don’t criticize themselves for not wanting to deal with whatever it is they have to deal with. But they have a deep seated belief that if they do tackle the problem, they will eventually find a solution or a way around it.

 

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.     8 Jul 2018
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Fun Fact Friday

  • Clinomania is the excessive desire to lay in bed all day.

  • Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you.

  • People don’t listen to the smartest person in the room, they listen to whoever acts as if they know what’s right, according to a study.
  • The older you get, the less people you trust.
Happy Friday!
 source:   factualfacts.com   https://twitter.com/Fact   @Fact


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Fun Fact Friday

  • Women are twice as likely to suffer from insomnia than men. This is mostly due to the hormonal changes that women often experience.

  • When ignored by someone whose attention means the most to you, the reaction in the brain is similar to physical pain.

 

  • Pistanthrophobia is a common fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad.

  • Studies show acting confidently is the surest key to success – If you fake it, you will make it.

Happy Friday!
 source:   factualfacts.com   https://twitter.com/Fact   @Fact


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14 Things Pressure-less People Do (and You Can, Too)

An active imagination helps. So does a confident stride.

Posted Aug 06, 2015      Hendrie Weisinger Ph.D. Hendrie Weisinger Ph.D.       Thicken Your Skin

I’ve studied how pressure affects performance, and the best way to manage it, for more than 20 years. I’ve interviewed elite athletes, Navy SEALs, entrepreneurs, ER doctors and nurses, hedge fund managers, air traffic controllers, and others who perform their best in pressure moments more often than not. These individuals do not “rise to the occasion,” as conventional thinking instructs; rather they do their best by depressurizing—lessening the pressure of the moment.

Here are 14 things these pressure-less people do to optimize performance:

1. They apply a positive mindset.

Pressure-less individuals perceive their pressure moments—situations in which they have something at stake and the outcome is dependent on their performance—using words like opportunity, challenge, and fun. This allows them to approach the moment with confidence instead of trepidation.

2. They believe they get second chances.

Pressure-less people believe that no matter how important the presentation, sales call, audition, game or match, other opportunities will come their way. Because they believe this, they can relax and avoid “do or die” thinking that intensifies pressure feelings.

3. They are control freaks.

Pressure-less people stay focused on what they can control in the moment. This allows them to avoid distracting and worrisome thoughts that distort their thinking and disrupt their performance.

4. They practice a mindset of excellence.

Pressure-less people realize it heightens pressure to always try to be Number One or to beat the competition. They know it is unrealistic to think you can always be Top Dog. Instead, their mindset is to focus on developing their own excellence. Being their personal best is more important than beating others, so competitive pressures are lessened.

5. They use positive imagination.

Pressure-less individuals consciously imagine themselves in all sorts of successful situations. Scoring a winning touchdown, being a Hollywood star, curing cancer, contributing to world peace—these might border on fantasy but they serve the function of creating positive feelings and emotions, like confidence and enthusiasm, two enemies of pressure.

6. They share pressure feelings.

To make sure they don’t burst from pressure, pressure-less people disclose their feelings of pressure with others. They have learned, unlike those that bottle up their feelings, that sharing stressful feelings helps alleviate them and, more often than not, helps generate solutions to tackle the pressures they are facing.

confidence

7. They avoid distraction.

Whether it’s taking a test, interviewing for a job, making a putt, or making a critical decision, pressure-less people stay focused on the task. Rather than become anxious about the outcome of a negative performance, they stay in the moment so their memory, attention, and judgment are not comprised. They do this in a variety of ways, such as tuning into their senses and remembering that their mission is to do their best.

8. They walk like a champ.

Pressure-less people already know what science now touts as neurological fact: Your posture and gait affect how you feel. Pressure-less people have some Marine in them—they stand up straight and walk with a confident swagger.

9. They celebrate micro successes.

Pressure-less people boost their confidence by recognizing their small successes and by doing so, fuel their enthusiasm and belief that they will accomplish their goal—two factors that reduce feelings of pressure and keep them motivated. They implement this strategy by being process-oriented, not outcome oriented. For example, according to their logic, a success is a good interview; continually having good interviews will eventually land a job.

10. They regulate their arousal.

Pressure-less people keep themselves calm so they never panic in a pressure moment, not even when an unexpected glitch occurs. Consciously tuning to their breathing in the moment and practicing disciplines such as relaxation training, yoga, and meditation on a weekly—if not daily—basis provides them with the skill of keeping their heart from zooming and butterflies out of their stomach.

11. They prepare for the worse.

Pressure-less people can think on their feet because they are in the habit of anticipating possible glitches that might occur. They solve these glitches before they arise and mentally rehearse scenarios to practice their execution, paying particular attention to the consequences of their response and how they will continue to respond. If and when the glitch occurs, the pressure-less person still feels in control and is able to attend to task completion.

12. They flashback their successes.

Pressure-less people experience less pressure because they know they have been successful in similar situations. In a pressure moment, they frequently flashback on a specific time they performed well under pressure. That visual image, and the positive thoughts it evokes, surges confidence within them and relaxes them, too.

13. They affirm their worth.

Pressure-less people experience less pressure because they feel they have value even if they fail in the moment. This feeling prevents them from being “overly attached” to the outcome—a pressure intensifier. Pressure-less people frequently remind themselves of their positive attributes that are independent of their job. Doing so prevents them from defining their worth in how they perform. Pressure-less people frequently remind their children that they are great kids and that they are proud of them independent of how well they perform in school or other activities. Their kids feel less pressure, too.

14. They march to their own beat.

Pressure-less people use their own values and interests to navigate their lives. They are more concerned with living up to their own expectations and following their own dreams than trying to please others, a source of pressure for most.


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How To Boost Your Confidence: 6 Scientific Ways To Feel Better About Yourself

May 14, 2014     Lecia Bushak

If you’ve ever acted on the saying “fake it till you make it,” you probably recognize the benefits of playing it cool and confident whether at work, at trying new things, or in social settings.

Confidence can make or break a lot of things. People who are sure of themselves tend to do better at interviews, on dates, and in accomplishing tasks. In our extrovert-centric society, confidence can get you a job, a girlfriend, and the courage to say no to people or situations that are toxic to you. Confidence is knowing yourself and taking care of yourself, too. Unfortunately, this societal view of exuberant confidence — where people who talk a lot are considered more competent than people who actually know more and do better — can be good in some ways, and harmful for introverts.

But it’s always a fine balance. While being sure of yourself is important, it’s not exactly great to be overly-confident, either, especially if you lack competence. Exuding an overabundance of confidence can be seen as arrogant, or having the assumption that you are better than you really are. Finding a balance — being aware of your weaknesses but also your strengths — is the best way to roll. Self-assess to the reality in the middle. Know that quiet competence is often more important than blatant confidence. And if you’re currently feeling like you’re worthless, read the below tips that can assist you in boosting your sense of self-worth so that you can start gaining that much-needed competence.

Exercise Consistently

Exercise goes a long way for a lot of aspects of life, from health and stress reduction to even confidence. When you work out, your brain releases feel-good hormones that give you that “runner’s high,” a natural feeling of accomplishment, happiness, and relaxation. After a good run, your body feels happy tired, your stomach ever so slightly more toned, and you’ve set the pace for a productive day. Exercising consistently will do wonders for both your mind and body. Being fit and feeling attractive can a huge self-esteem boost.

Dress Well

This may seem rather shallow, but grooming is an important part of our biology as mammals and social beings. Taking care of yourself — including little things like keeping your nails trim, flossing your teeth, and showering — can make a big difference in how you feel about yourself. Finding new clothes to wear in fresh combinations, or going out and buying a few new outfits, can give your self-confidence the small boost it needs to get going. Are you having a bad day, procrastinating, and feeling gross? Take a shower. Being clean is a refreshing feeling, and will give you the kick you need to start getting things done.

Woman Kicking Leg Up In Front of Graffiti Wall

 

Stay Social

Getting involved with other people will help bring you out of your negative head space. If you’re finding yourself experiencing anxiety about your life’s problems, spend some time helping others with their own. Assisting someone in need boosts happiness and self-worth; even if you don’t have your life in order, you can feel like you are being helpful and productive to someone else.

Squash Negative Thoughts Like Bugs

It’s often easy to get into negative self-talk mode: Why haven’t you done this yet? When will you find a better job? Why are you still single or still with this loser? What’s wrong with you? Once these thoughts start popping up, squash them like bugs, then replace them with more positive ones.

On that note, resilience is an important part of staying confident. Don’t beat yourself up when you get rejected by a job, love interest, or when you fail. Life doesn’t always turn out to be what we think it will, and being prepared for this — as well as being able to adapt — is called resilience. Stronger resilience naturally boosts your confidence, since you won’t be too hard on yourself. “When life doesn’t quite turn out the way you expect it will or want it to, give yourself a little wiggle room,” Sara Elliott writes on How Stuff Works. “The more you reward yourself for stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new instead of bashing yourself for a less-than-stellar performance, the easier it will be to tackle the next challenge with confidence.”

Practice Until You’re Competent

Learning a new skill or language can help boost your confidence, especially if it’s outside of work. While “faking it till you make it” can work in some situations, know that you actually have to put in the time and hard work to gain a skill or get better at something. Once you’ve put in your hours, you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that you can play a full song on the piano or that you’ve written your first good essay after all the crap.

But remember this all involves little steps. “If you want to be a more competent writer, for example, don’t try to tackle the entire profession of writing all at once,” Leo Babauta writes on zenhabits. Instead, take baby steps: write a little bit every day. “Journal, blog, write short stories, do some freelance writing. The more you’ll write, the better you’ll be.” Practicing even a little bit every day will increase your competence, and the better you get at something, the stronger your confidence will be.

Smile

Happy body language can make you feel better about yourself. In a study completed by social psychologist Amy Cuddy, researchers found that manifesting fake “high-power poses” reduced cortisol, or the stress hormone, and boosted testosterone and self-confidence. Smiling, standing up straight with your shoulders back and chin up, and manifesting more “open” and relaxed poses will actually help you feel more confident.


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6 Habits Of Resilient People

What makes some people persevere through trying circumstances while others begin flailing at the first sign of crisis? Understanding the key qualities of resilient people is the first step to cultivating that bounce-back quality in yourself.

By Gwen Moran

On April Fool’s Day 2011, I was unexpectedly diagnosed with early-stage invasive breast cancer. As a freelance writer with a career I love and a family that depends on my income, I spent most of the year juggling surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation with assignments, interviews, and youth soccer schedules. Throughout, friends and colleagues seemed surprised that I remained relatively active and pretty optimistic.

What else was there to do, I wondered. Taking to my bed for the better part of a year wasn’t an option for my personality or my bank account. Why not look at the bright side of early diagnosis and great prognosis and keep going? During that time, I contributed to two books, wrote dozens of articles and ended the year with a clean bill of health.

Since then, I’ve been more curious than ever about why some people persevere through trying circumstances while others begin flailing at the first sign of crisis. I wondered if there were commonalities among resilient people and whether it’s possible to develop those qualities and strong points. The answers, according to the experts, are yes and yes. Here’s what those never-say-die folks have in common–and how you can develop them for yourself.

1. They Build Relationships.

People who bounce back tend to have a network of supportive people around them, says Michael Ungar, Ph.D., co-director of the Resilience Research Centre at Dalhousie University in Halifax, Canada. For some people, that’s a close-knit family, but for others it’s a carefully cultivated group of friends, colleagues, mentors and others who actually care and are willing to help. Ungar says he’s seen the tendency to seek out support sources in children as young as five years old: When the family unit isn’t functioning in that way, children tend to reach out to coaches, teachers or other adults as a support network. Similarly, resilient adults seek out others who care about them who can offer emotional, professional or other assistance when times get tough.

2. They Reframe Past Hurts.

Lorenn Walker had just left a hotel bar one night in 1976 when an unknown assailant nearly murdered her. He fled, but she was left badly injured, needing surgery on her face. Her recovery took four months. Through therapy and willfully refusing to be mired in fear and resentment, she was able to “reframe,” or think about the situation in a different way. Instead of resenting the scars and the fearful memories, the Waialua, Hawaii, lawyer and counselor sees the attack as the catalyst that led her to her work in what she calls restorative justice–counseling prisoners and victims of violent crime in how to make peace with the past and cultivate meaning in their lives.

“You have the power to determine how you’re going to look at a situation, and you don’t give that power to other people, particularly people who are bad or who hurt you,” she says.

3. They Accept Failure.

Paul LeBuffe lectures about resilience as part of his role as director of the Devereux Center for Resilient Children, a Villanova, Pennsylvania, facility that works with educators and mental health professionals to develop more resilient children. It’s not uncommon for his audience to include young people who were highly successful students, but graduated during the recession and are devastated at their inability to find jobs.

“They don’t know how to cope with the fact that they didn’t get the first job they applied for. So we hear a lot about these young people sitting in their parents’ basements playing video games,” he says.

If you don’t give yourself the opportunity to fail sometimes and accept it as a part of life, you’re going to struggle with bouncing back, LeBuffe says. Successfully emerging from failure develops the ability to be optimistic that things can be bad now, but they’ll be okay eventually, he says.

4. They Have Multiple Identities.

If you get most of your self-worth from your job and you get fired, you’ve suddenly lost both your source of income and a big part of your identity, says Ungar. Resilient people often have a number of areas from which they get their sense of self-worth, says Ungar. They may have deep friendships or family connections, strong faith, or a leadership role in the community. They’re better able to bounce back, because even if one goes away, they still have a sense of connection and being valued from those other areas, he says.

5. They Practice Forgiveness.

Whether it’s forgiving yourself for a failure or forgiving someone else for an injury or injustice, being able to let go of past hurts and move on is an essential component of resilience, Walker says. When you find yourself “ruminating about grievances and negative stories, you have to just stop yourself and remind yourself of what you have to be grateful for,” she says. If you’re not a naturally forgiving person, this takes practice, but it is a skill that can be mastered, she adds.


6. They Have a Sense of Purpose.

LeBuffe says resilient people have a sense of purpose that helps them analyze their situations and plot the next moves. This stems from a set of values that is unique to each individual. When you know what’s important to you, whether it’s family, faith, money, career, or something else, you can prioritize what needs your attention most immediately to help you get back to where you want to be. That goes for organizations, as well. When everyone knows the ultimate goal, they can make meaningful contributions. When they don’t, they’re mired in indecision.

“If the people who work in a company don’t know the values, they’re paralyzed. They have to keep coming back to senior management to say, ‘What about going after this market?’ or ‘What do you think about extending credit another 30 days?’ instead of being able to act adaptively,” he says. “It’s the same for people. You have to know what’s important to you to be able to take action.”

source: www.fastcompany.com

 


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Good Body Image, Happier Relationship

Survey finds that women who diet are less satisfied with themselves

By Dennis Thompson   HealthDay Reporter

THURSDAY, Dec. 5, 2013 (HealthDay News) – Women who are happy with their bodies are better able to maintain a happy relationship, a new study finds.

The researchers’ survey also found that women who are satisfied with their current relationship tend to be fine with their weight and body image.

The link between relationship satisfaction and one’s body image is strong and works both ways, said study author Sabina Vatter, a postgraduate student at Tallinn University in Estonia.

“When a woman was satisfied with her relationship, she was also satisfied with her body weight, which also applies vice versa,” Vatter said. “Higher body-weight satisfaction results in higher satisfaction with a relationship.


“This shows that body and body weight can create general satisfaction, which would be forwarded to feelings for a romantic partner,” she said.

The results – based on a poll of about 250 women – were scheduled for presentation Friday at a meeting of the British Psychological Society, in York, England.

Women who had previously dieted or were currently on a diet were more likely to be unhappy with their weight and more self-conscious regarding their bodies, the study found.

“Women who have dieted had more extreme standards of appearance,” Vatter said. “Even a normal weight would seem unattractive for them. They were further from their ideal appearance due to their excessive weight, and they were more attentive and aware of their body shape.”

“Hence, they noticed more the difference between their present body weight and their ideal weight,” she said.


In her survey, Vatter focused on women between 20 and 45 years old who were currently in a relationship. About 71 percent of the women surveyed were living with their partner, and 29 percent were married.

The women were asked about their relationship satisfaction, their sexual intimacy, their self-image and their self-esteem.

The women most critical of their bodies were less happy in their relationships, Vatter found.

“They had lower self-esteem and they were less satisfied with their sexual intimacy,” Vatter said. “In order to feel good and happy in a relationship, one should have positive feelings toward their body and feel comfortable in their body, because without this a woman might feel dissatisfaction toward the relationship.”

Dr. Gaby Cora, a psychiatrist and inspirational speaker, agreed that self-confidence appears to allow women to feel better about their relationships.

“A woman who is self-confident won’t worry about her weight and can establish a good relationship with anyone,” said Cora, who practices in Miami. “If you do feel pretty good about yourself and pretty secure about who you are and what’s important to you, it may be easy to make relationships with people who admire you for who you are rather than who you’d like to be.”

The overuse of overly thin models throughout media is a likely cause of women’s poor self-image, Vatter said.

“In the past few decades, women tend to concentrate too much on their weight and tend to forget that the weight number is just a number,” she said. “It doesn’t show whether the woman is eating healthily, whether she is doing regular physical activity or whether she has a healthy lifestyle, which should be of a higher importance than weight or body shape.”

Data and conclusions presented at meetings typically are considered preliminary until published in a peer-reviewed medical journal.